


Shouyou's Secret

by izuku



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: ???? not that bad though, Angst, Anxiety, Child Abuse, I'm just being gross and dysphoric over here ignore me, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, KageHina - Freeform, M/M, Self-Harm, Trans Hinata, Trans Male Character, hinatas dad is a dick, tobio is so Good
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-08
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-05-05 15:41:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5380763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/izuku/pseuds/izuku
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hinata's well-kept secret is something he never wants anyone to find out.<br/>Isn't it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> shit man I'm sorry about this grossness I am a venting piece of shit
> 
> warnings: implied/referenced self harm, queerphobia

It feels like a spike, driven through his chest, his head, his everywhere.

Dysphoria.

He hates it, he wants it gone, and he wants it gone now, but Hinata Shouyou is shit outta luck. Transphobic parents are not a trump card in getting hormone therapy, really, quite the opposite.

Hinata Shouyou is tired of the horrific slurs that are thrown at him each day by the people who are supposed to be raising him, treating him with respect.

"Tranny"  
"Faggot"  
"Dyke"  
"I can't believe I have to call you my child."

Hinata Shouyou's chest hurts. Maybe it's because of the ace bandages he wraps too tightly around it, or maybe it's just because his heart is in agony. He doesn't care enough to figure it out.

\---  
Hinata Shouyou knows he's in deep shit when he starts to get butterflies in his chest when he looks at his stupid, dumbass setter, Kageyama fucking Tobio. He doesn't want to be falling for this boy, this perfect, masculine, amazing asshole of a boy.

But at the same time, he oh-so does.

\---  
The words his parents say are getting to be too much. That, paired with the fact that someone at school Found Out, and now they're bullying him relentlessly for it.

He tries to hide it from the team, he doesn't want them to worry over him, he's not worth it. They don't need to worry about the cuts, about how he's stopped eatin, he doesn't _want_  them to know. Unfortunately, the Karasuno Volleyball team has some very observant people on it.

Suga confronts him almost immediately, after one practice where Hinata was off his game. Shouyou assures his senpai that it's nothing, that he's just tired and that homework kicked his ass last night, paired with a nervous chuckle. Suga lets it slide.

\---  
Hinata Shouyou knows he's totally fucked when Kageyama Tobio accidentally walks in on him changing, the bandages still around his chest, but his torso otherwise bare. The skin that shows is full of imperfections, freckles and scars decorating it. There are red and white lines covering his shoulders, stomach, hips, all free for the dark haired boy to see.

"Shit." The word slips from Shouyou's lips as Kageyama's eyes flit over him, the taller turning a deep red but not exiting the bathroom. No, instead of leaving, he takes a step forwards, earning a pace backwards from Hinata.

"It's okay." Was the reply. "Let me help."

\---  
Hinata decides that Kageyama finding out wasn't so bad, after all. He doesn't mind being scolded about using ace bandages even though "those are gonna hurt you someday, Shou, be more careful with yourself." gets a little repetitive.

Now, he thinks, maybe he should have listened.

\---  
It was a spike like any other that did it. He went up, hit the ball, fitting snugly into his palm. But this time, as his arm shot down to propel the ball, it didn't glide smoothly like he was used to.

No, this time there was a crack.

It reverberated around the room, along with Shouyou's scream of pain, bouncing off of the walls of the gym. Instantly, everyone's attention was on the orange-haired boy lying on the ground and clutching at his chest. Kageyama was the first there, of course, and if Shouyou hadn't been in excruciating pain, he probably would have blushed.

The dark haired boy simply asked, "Rib?" and Hinata nodded. He'd been warned time and time again that wearing ace bandages to bind could snap ribs, but he took it as more of an urban legend than anything.

Now, he really fucking wishes he'd taken them seriously.

His head is foggy and breathing is slow and pained as he faintly hears someone call 911. His body is heavy, the only part he's truly aware of is the warm pain centered around the right side of his torso. He hears clipped voices talking, and then someone the sounds an awful lot like Kageyama Tobio saying "I'm sorry." as hands reach beneath his shirt and unwrap something from his chest, releasing a horrible pressure.

The last thing he's aware of before the shock consumes him is the hand he's holding as he's being carried away.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata recovers, Kageyama wants him to get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guh srry for this chapter being so late i feel gross rn and i just felt like writing this to get over my writer's block so here we are pls enjoy

Waking up in a hospital room is something that Hinata Shouyou found beyond unpleasant. First of all, he was disoriented.  _Where am I?_ Secondly, after seeing the machines perched next to his bed, and the tubes pumping oxygen into his nose, he was confused and angry.  _Why am I here?_ But finally, when Kageyama's worried face peered over him, he was ashamed.  _How could this have happened?_ Luckily, Kageyama answered his question without him even needing to ask it.

"Your dumb ass using an ace bandage as a binder managed to break one of your ribs. It cracked midair, but the impact of you falling managed to fully snap it, so good job." Kageyama said with a half-hearted scowl. "You're gonna be on oxygen for two or three days, and the doctors say you'll be discharged in a week or so." The frown melted away as he finished, replaced by brows furrowed by worry and a bite to the inside of Kageyama's cheek. Slowly, he lowered himself to sit on the side of Hinata's bed, with the smaller of the two moving his legs away as to not be crushed.

"Hinata..." Kageyama started, the crease between his brows deepening. "Please be more careful with yourself. The whole team cares for you a lot, probably more than you think. We don't want to see you hurt, whether it's something we can see or not. And... I know I'm not the best with words, but I hope you know I don't mean it when I insult you. I know I can be pretty mean, but I... I'm fond of you. And I care about you. So please... take care of yourself, There's a lot of people that love you, even if you can't see it yet." By the time he finished, Kageyama's face was a deep red, flushed up to his ears and nearly down to his neck, and Hinata's wasn't much better. 

"Kageyama," His voice was hardly louder than a whisper, breathy and thin. "I care a lot about you too." A smile slowly spread across Hinata's face, and unlike his usual flash-of-sunshine grins, this glows. It feels warm and happy, genuine and kind, and Kageyama wants it to stay forever. 

\------------------------

For the remainder of the day (it was the afternoon of the day proceeding Hinata's accident), Kageyama stayed by his side, and filled in the silence until Hinata gathered the strength to talk with him. Some of the team members visited as well (Suga, Daichi, Asahi, Noya, and Tanaka) and they all wished him well and told him to be more careful and "don't pull any more of that dumb ace-bandage shit" as Tanaka put it.

(he said so with worry in his eyes and kindness in his heart, so Hinata knew not to take it too seriously)

Daichi and Suga assured him that nothing would change in his status of being a team member, only that they want him to stop binding during practice. Suga even offered to go buy him some sports bras, but Hinata politely turned him down, assuring him he could do it himself.

(he didn't want Suga to waste money on him)

It was at least 7pm before it was just him and Kageyama again, and Hinata promptly slumped back into his nest of pillows as soon as his visitors left. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy them, it was simply that he was mentally and physically exhausted, despite getting lots of rest. Kageyama, sensing this, used the remote on Hinata's bed to return in to a semi-flat position, as to make it easier for him to sleep. Much to Hinata's surprise, once Kageyama had finished adjusting his bed, he came over and sat down on the mattress next to Hinata, and ever-so-gently picks up his hand. At first, Hinata's face flushed a brilliant red, but as Kageyama began to rub soothing circles into the back of his hand, the blush faded, replaced with butterflies in his stomach and a warm feeling in his chest.

He fell asleep like that, with happiness in his heart and a smile on his face.

(Kageyama was glad to see him looking so content)

(but he'd never tell Hinata that)

\------------------------

Kageyama spent all of his free time that week in the hospital, looking after Hinata. He even skipped volleyball practices to be there, despite Hinata's vehement attempts to make him leave and go join the team. 

(Hinata didn't know that Daichi and Suga were secretly cheering Kageyama on and helping him out with what to say and do when he visited)

After two days, Hinata was allowed to be taken off oxygen as "his lungs were in stable condition," and he had never been more grateful for something in his life. ( _Holy shit, Kageyama, those little tubes are annoying!_ He'd said as he violently rubbed his nose.)

After a week, Hinata was allowed to go home. ( _Can you take me, Kageyama? My parents are working._ His parents who, Kageyama had noted, hadn't visited Hinata even once while he was in the hospital)

Kageyama continued to visit Hinata after school, giving him all the assignments he'd missed and to just be around him.

(he hated to admit it, but he liked being being around Hinata. he made Kageyama happy.)

\------------------------

Hinata came back to school three days after he was discharged. He sat in on practice and his grades managed to boost a bit. Everything seemed to be going well. (despite the fact that Hinata wasn't allowed to bind his chest, as ordered by his doctor. but hell, it was pretty cold out, so he could get away with wearing a baggy sweatshirt to cover it up)

Then, a week after his return, Hinata walked into school with a black eye (and bruises hidden by his sweatshirt, but don't tell anybody about those). Kageyama was furious. Hinata was bombarded with "Who the hell did this?" "What happened?" etc, etc, when his raven-haired companion first laid eyes on him that morning. Hinata assured him that it was nothing, that he'd tripped on the stairs last night and managed to give himself a black eye, god stop being such a worrywart bakageyama. Tobio had squinted at him suspiciously,but eventually let it slide, turning away with a "be more careful, dumbass!" as he headed to class.

(the bruises weren't from falling)

(but Kageyama didn't need to know that)

(didn't need to know about his parent's violence towards him)

(Hinata couldn't deal with him knowing about that)

\------------------------

Kageyama Tobio became truly concerned when, the week following the black-eye incident, Hinata walked into the gym to observe morning practice.

With a yellowing bruise on his cheek.

And a split lip.

Kageyama's eyebrows raised in surprise and concern when his gaze landed on the ginger-haired boy, who wasn't sporting his usual happy-go-lucky attitude. Kageyama marched over to him, grabbed his arm and pulled him into the empty locker room. 

"Kageyama what-"

"Tell me what's going on." Tobio demanded.

"What are you talki-"

"Don't bullshit me, Hinata. Where the hell do you keep getting those bruises?" His smaller counterpart stiffened for a moment, before forcefully releasing his muscles.

"Oh, you know me, Kageyama. I'm just clumsy, it's nothing to worry about." Hinata tried to sneak past Kageyama and out the door, but to no avail. His tall friend truly stood like an iron wall.

"Hinata, please." There was a touch of desperation to Kageyama's voice, and he stared intensely at Hinata. "Just tell me what's going on." 

Hinata felt his breath catch in his throat, his eyes beginning to water.

(nobody had ever cared this much about him)

(kageyama didnt need to worry about him)

(oh god o _hgod how does he tell kageyama without making him hate him_ )

( _fuck_ )

"It-it's really nothing!" Hinata stuttered, obviously nervous. "Seriously, Kageyama, you don't need to worry about me." He flashed a grin and once again tried to weasel past Kageyama, and once agin failed.

"Dammit, Hinata! I can tell it's not that, now will you please fucking tell me what's going on?" Kageyama burst, slamming his hand into the locker next to Hinata, making him flinch. The ginger felt tears well up in his throat, and his vision became blurry, eyes stinging.

"K-Kageyama..." Hinata choked up, hot tears spilling out of his eyes and dripping down his cheeks. He sank to the floor and Tobio caught him, holding the smaller boy close as broken sobs wracked his frame.

They stayed like that.

\------------------------

Eventually, Hinata calmed down enough to form coherent sentences. (though not before thoroughly soaking Kageyama's shirt)

(not that Kageyama minded)

"It was my parents." Was the first thing sniffled wetly against Kageyama's chest. Tobio felt his stomach flip and heart tighten at the pain written in Hinata's voice, the subtle clutch at the fabric of his shirt.

"Th-they aren't the most fond of me. They want me to be normal." Is what was said next, the ginger burrowing farther into Kageyama.

"I want to be normal too."

\------------------------

After that, Kageyama took to hanging out at Hinata's house after school, to do homework and watch over the boy he cared so much for.

Ah, yes, how did that happen? Him... caring? About Hinata, of all people? He doesn't know.

But he doesn't mind it either.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey how about that it's 1am  
> anyways pls comment if u liked this im sorry its not v long but im tired and i couldnt possible shit out more chapter so here we are thanks fr reading i love ya


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata's parents aren't the greatest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM HAVING THE PERIOD CRAMPS FROM HELL PLEASE ENJOY
> 
> also please note!! major trigger warning for self-harm and abuse this chapter i am v sorry

It was a month.

 

One month, and he was already back here, kneeling on the bathroom floor with a blade in his hand and tears running down his face. He hated it. He hated himself. He hated his parents, and he hated the damn world for cursing his very existence with this _fucking body_.

 

(he was tired)

 

(he wanted it to stop)

 

His parents didn’t care, he knew that much. Their words burned themselves into his mind, and the bruises and cuts their hands left marred his skin.

 

(he deserved it)

 

He wanted the world to stop, stop, _stop_ , because everything was too fucking fast and too fucking much and then he was choking up again, more worthless tears rolling down his cheeks. He gripped the sharp metal in his hand tightly, the cold it emanated seeping into his fingers. He brought the honed edge to the top of his arm, near where shoulder met collarbone.

 

(just do it already, why are you holding back now?)

 

Slowly and carefully (because it had been a while and he didn’t want to go too deep and he knew he could because he was an idiot), Hinata sliced through the tender skin of his arm. His eyes widened and he gasped as the pain cut a clear mark into his arm, and good god he did _not want to stop_.

 

So he didn’t.

 

\-----------------

 

By the time the orange-haired boy had stopped hurting himself, he had to put bandaids on his shoulders, stomach, and thighs. Though he usually let it bleed, he didn’t want Kageyama to see any bits of dried blood the next day. Kageyama worried too much for him anyway, Hinata didn’t need to burden him more.

 

(he wanted kageyama to like him)

 

(he liked kageyama)

 

(damn it)

 

\-----------------

 

Hinata’s parents hadn’t taken him to any of the follow-up appointments he was supposed to have for his rib, and he was honestly kind of grateful. He didn’t want the doctors to see the old scars, fresh cuts, and send him to a psychologist. (He’d just barely gotten away with not seeing one while at the hospital, which he could thank Kageyama and his overprotectiveness for)

 

(there was kageyama again, worming his way into hinata’s life)

 

(he should not have this big of a crush on that asshole)

 

Hinata was laying on his bed, truly doing nothing, when his phone buzzed. The sound of the vibration through the mattress made him jump, but once he realized that, _it was just a text, calm the fuck down Shouyou_ , he picked up his phone.

 

From: Bakageyama

To: Hinata

 

            Are you busy right now?

 

Hinata felt his heart rate go up, anxiety rising in his throat. It was a Saturday afternoon, and his parents were home, albeit they weren’t speaking to him, but still. He figured if Kageyama really wanted to hang out, he’d be okay with having Hinata over, though, so he typed out a response.

 

To: Bakageyama

From: Hinata

 

            nope!! u wanna hang out?? if u do, can we do it at ur place? my parents are home :((((

 

He felt his chest tighten, hoping that Kageyama would agree, when he received a text in reply.

 

From: Bakageyama

To: Hinata

 

            Sure. Be here in15 minutes?

 

Hinata smiled, sending a, _sounds good!!_ In reply.  He threw a baggy sweatshirt over his current t-shirt, pulled on some shoes, and put the stuff he might need into a bag. Before leaving, he checked the mirror to see if there were any visible bruises from his parents’ last go at him. He found a light purple bruise by his eyebrow ( _why the fuck did they hit me up there??_ ), but nothing significant.

 

He made his way out of the bathroom, and tread quietly down the stairs, careful not to disturb his parents. However, Hinata Shouyou never did have the greatest of luck.

 

Just as he had reached the bottom of the stairs, his father stepped in front of him. He felt the blood drain out of his face and dread replace in, gnawing a cold feeling into his stomach (his everywhere).

 

“H-hey dad! What’s up?” He said as cheerfully as possible, not wanting to upset the man.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Was the only reply, voiced by the imposing figure in front of him.

 

“J-just to a friend’s house! Is that okay? I-I was coming down here to check.” He stuttered, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

 

“You fucking brat.” Shouyou’s father growled, the boy shrinking visibly at his words. “You think you can just come and go as you please, don’t you? Like you mother and I are some kind of fucking slaves? Well, I’ll teach you a lesson, you little shit.” The low timbre of his voice along with the threatening words was enough to drive the boy to near tears.

 

“D-dad please-” Shouyou started, before a fist knocked the words out of his mouth. He heard a _crack_ and then he was on the floor and there was blood running from his nose, down his chin, dripping onto the navy blue of his sweatshirt. His head throbbed as he looked up at his father, cringing away at his silhouette.

 

“Go.” Was the only word uttered from the man before him. “Go and don’t fucking come back.”

 

So he did.

 

\-----------------

 

When he arrived at Kageyama’s house on his bike, his nose was still trickling blood, and his sweatshirt was thoroughly soaked with the red liquid. He felt dizzy, and black spots danced before his eyes as he leaned his bike against the side of the house. He ambled up the stairs, too drained to put effort towards the action. He knocked on the door, heard someone coming to greet him, and tensed up as the door opened.

 

“Hey du- oh my god, Hinata what happened?” The black haired boy gaped, taking in the blood-soaked sight of his friend (friend? when had that happened?).

 

“I-I was trying to-to leave a-and my dad-” Hinata choked up, blocking anything other than tears to escape him then.

 

(and they _did_ which was the worst part because he was weak weak weak and he hated it)

 

Then Kageyama did something unexpected. He drew the smaller boy in close, wrapped himself around Hinata’s smaller frame.

 

“C’mon,” He said, “let’s go inside.”

 

And so they did.

 

\-----------------

 

After they’d shuffled though the doorway and Kageyama had spent _way_ too long cleaning Hinata up, they curled up together on the couch, wrapped in a blanket.

 

Hinata needed to tell him what his father had said.

 

But he had abso-fucking-lutely no idea how.

 

 _Well,_ he thought to himself, _might as well just do it._

 

(and by just do it he meant completely bullshit the whole thing, but whatever. details.)

 

“H-hey, Kageyama?” He managed, finding the words a lot harder to say than he imagined.

 

“What’s wrong, dumbass?” The raven replied with a light scowl. Hinata clenched his hands. He could do this.

 

“It-it’s just something my dad said before I left.” Shouyou bit his lip, glancing down at his lap. “He- well, he sa-said to leave and-” He took a deep breath. “He said to leave and never come back.” Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. “And-and I don’t know what to _do_ because I cant go back there but I don’t where else I could go and I’m so scared I ju-” His panicked words were cut off by Kageyama pulling him into another hug, wiping away the tears he hadn’t realized were dripping down his cheeks.

 

“You can stay here.” Kageyama said gruffly.

 

“What?” Hinata looked up at him.

 

“I said, you can stay here. For as long as you need. Or want.” There was a hint of a blush on Kageyama’s cheeks. “My mom is pretty cool about that stuff.” Hinata’s face shone in happiness, a grin lighting his eyes.

 

(and god, kageyama loved those orange-brown crystals that that boy had for eyes, and even though he told himself he couldn’t stare at them all day, he _totally could_ )

 

“Really?” Hinata asked excitedly, gripping the taller boy’s shoulders.

 

“Of course, dumbass.” Kageyama scowled, averting his eyes because _oh my god he’s so cute what the fuck_.

 

There were tears springing in the corners of Hinata’s eyes, but these were happy, all feelings of sadness washed away by Kageyama’s offer. He wrapped his arms around his friend’s (again-friend?) torso, squeezing him into a tight hug.

 

“Thank you.” The words were muffled by Kageyama’s shirt, but they radiated happiness, and a smile ghosted said black-haired boy’s lips.

 

They stayed like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope u guys liked this!! its garbage but i feel like garbage so im just projecting i guess 
> 
> oh yeah also my tumlr is litelan y'all should check it out


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shouyou really should have thought this through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god im so sorry for not updating ive had this half-finished for WEEKS but i had finals and life was just super busy and i didn't have time to finish it so here have another shitty chapter enjoy
> 
> trigger warning for self-harm this chapter

Shouyou really should have thought this through.

 

Kageyama’s offer had seemed innocent enough at the time he brought it up, but now, no. Hinata Shouyou did not count _staying-with-your-best-friend-slash-crush-for-the-forseeable-future_ as a smart plan, most definitely not.

 

Damn it.

 

And, to top it all off, he’d gotten that lovely itch on his skin, _under_ his skin, making him desperate to pick at it, slice it, rip the damn stuff off, but no. He was at Kageyama’s house. He couldn’t do that here.

 

But.

 

He was going to be ‘here’ for the next two years, most likely.

 

So why not?

 

\--------------------

 

Okay, so Hinata may have found a teensy, tinesy problem with his plan. Y’see, he had no trouble with taking apart a spare razor he’d found in one of the drawers in Kageyama’s bathroom, that was something he’d done many times. No, his problem was that, true to his reputation of being an idiot, he’d not anticipated how _fucking sharp_ the blade would be. And, well.

 

That sure was a lot of blood.

 

“Shit shit shit shit _shit_.” Hinata muttered to himself as more of the hot red liquid poured out of the gash on his shoulder. He was not going to bleed out in Kageyama’s bathroom. Not today.

 

He started rifling around in the cabinets and was elated to find some gauze, which he promptly pressed to his arm, and.

 

Fuck.

 

It took _maybe_ 25 seconds for the large puff of thin fabric to be completely and utterly soaked in blood.

 

“Okay,” he muttered to himself, clutching his hand to the wound, “I’m so fucked.” He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, trying to sort out what to do as his head pounded and his thoughts grew fuzzy. After a minute or two, he opened his eyes, though his ears were beginning to ring, having figured out what to do next.

 

“Hey, Tobio?” He called weakly, though hopefully loud enough for the aforementioned boy to hear him.

 

“What is it now?” A familiar voice replied monotonously. Shouyou smiled, though he knew he should be scared because he was _fucking dying_ , but Kageyama’s voice was nice, and he was tired.

 

“I, uh. I fucked up a little bit.” Understatement. “And- fuck- I might- I might pass out and I think I definitely need some help because _jesus_ there is a lot of blood and I’m really fucking sorry I didn’t mean t-” His ramblings were cut off by the bathroom door slamming open, and a very scared looking Tobio rushing in.

 

“Oh my god.” The black-haired boy gaped as his gaze fell upon the blood that covered all of Hinata’s left arm. “Oh my god, we’ve gotta get you to the hospital.”

 

The ginger’s eyes widened. “No! Seriously, I don’t need to go to the hospital, I just-just need so-some bandages and I’ll b-be fine.” He stuttered, feeling incredible light-headed (and maybe his words were slurring, slowing, but he couldn’t tell). “Please don’t take me to the hospital I swear I’m fi-” He tried to finish as he collapsed to the cold tile floor of the bathroom.

 

\--------------------

 

The first time he woke up, everything was really warm and his arm really really hurt.

 

He went back to sleep.

 

\--------------------

 

The second time he woke up, he was in a duplicate of the previous situation, though slightly more aware this time. He could tell that the heat was coming from something draped over him, and that the pain was from the cut on his arm, presumably bandaged and disinfected, knowing Kageyama.

 

Though, something was off. The warmth wasn’t coming just from a blanket, as one would expect, but there was something radiating heat behind him and on top of his torso and he-

 

(oh, shit)

 

(that was kageyama)

 

(kageyama tobio, the antisocial asshole, was cuddling him)

 

(that’s adorable)

 

He didn’t want to move, because he’ likely roll onto his hurt arm (and, admittedly, that was his fault, but he could accept the blame for that because he already knew he was an idiot), but he really wanted to wake Kageyama the fuck _up_ because he was overheating and really _really_ didn’t want to sweat into his cut because that would make it hurt even worse and that would majorly suck, so he wanted to avoid that as much as possible. So, he went with the most obvious course of action.

 

Reaching his good (and slightly numb) arm up from the mattress, Hinata lightly tapped Kageyama’s hand, which rested just in front of his collarbone.

 

“Oi, Kageyama.” He whispered, hoping to wake up the sleeping boy. No response. “Tobio.” He said louder, pawing at Kageyama’s hand. “Wake the fuck up.”

 

The dark haired boy stirred slightly, squinting at first, before his eyes widened. “Oh my god. Oh my god, you’re awake.” He flipped Hinata over to face him, which caused the said ginger to land on his arm, and he inadvertently cried out, curling in on himself.

 

“Shit- fuck- are you ok? Fuck, I’m so sorry. Are you alright? Do you need anything? Fuck-” Shouyou cut off his worried rambling with a weak giggle.

 

“I’m okay, Kageyama, don’t worry.” His voice was small and tired, and as he recalled the events from earlier, his expression darkened in the even darker room. “I’m sorry. About earlier. That was- that was stupid and selfish and irresponsible of me and you de-deserve better than that.” Hinata’s voice hitched at the end of his sentence, the word _idiot_ ringing though his head, clear as a bell.

 

Kageyama provided no words in reply, simply hugged his companion tighter to his chest, resting his chin on the orange locks of his hair. They sat in silence, peace, for a few minutes before Tobio spoke up.

 

“You did scare me, I’ll give you that.” His words were soft, so different from their regular tone. “I- you mean a lot to me, even though I act like an asshole to you, I don’t- fuck. I don’t mean it, okay? You’re… really important, and it hurts to see you hurting and- and I want to help, if I can. So please, just… just tell me when you feel like this, and I’ll do whatever it takes.” Kageyama tripped over his words, stuttering and stumbling as he felt his face heat up more and more. By the time he was finished, he was red as a tomato and more grateful than ever that the room was dark and Hinata couldn’t see him.

 

In response, Shouyou hummed against his chest, before mumbling a soft, “Okay.”

 

They stayed like that for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fucking hell this is so bad
> 
> anyways! i'm gonna try to update every sunday-ish from now on, so no more super long waits! please note that i've also got another fic that i'm going to start updating soon, so i might miss a few, but bare with me, i promise I will finish this fic at some point.
> 
> as always, comments and kudos are very much appreciated, and i hope you're all doing super well! love ya!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In retrospect, Shouyou realizes he probably shouldn’t have assumed that he was still in Kageyama’s room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO FRIENDS I AM SO SORRY ABOUT HOW LONG MY BREAK WAS  
> i was rlly stressed and a ton of shit happened and i just. didnt have the energy to write IM SORRY i feel awful  
> anyways heres this

In retrospect, Shouyou realizes he probably shouldn’t have assumed that he was still in Kageyama’s room.

When he finally comes to again, he’s met by bright lights and sterile smells and _not_ by Kageyama’s warm body curled around his. His arm _hurts_ and there’s this horrible, incessant beeping that’s already giving him a migraine and, until he blinks the fuzz out of his eyes, he’s thoroughly confused as to where he is. When he does, he’s affronted by an offensive, yet not entirely unfamiliar sight.

“Ah, fuck.” He mumbles as he takes in the surrounding hospital room. He’s hooked up to an IV, he has a bandage over his wound, and Kageyama is nowhere to be found. He’s thinking something along the lines of, _he’s probably at school_ , and, _why am I so clingy_ , when the literal last person he ever wanted to see in his damn hospital room walks in. The blood drains from his face as he struggles to a sitting position, moving his IV’d arm painfully in the process.

“H-hey dad.” Shouyou forces a smile onto his face as his throat constricts, his words are hardly a croak. His father scowls down at him, and the junior Hinata ponders whether he looks more like he’s just eaten a lemon or seen a dead rat. 

“Shiori.” His father replies, and he tries to smother his instinctual cringe at the sound of his birthname. “I see you’ve managed to land yourself in the hospital again.” His father is obviously restraining himself; there’s a vein pulsing violently in his neck and his fists are clutched tight at his sides, his jaw firmly set.

“Y-yeah.” Shouyou murmurs in reply. “Sorry about that.” By the tightening of his father’s muscles, he can tell that’s not a satisfactory answer.

“We’ll talk about it when we get home.” His father says tersely. Hinata’s eyes blow wide.

“Home? B-but I thought-“ thought that you’d disowned me, told me to leave and not come back, thought I was finally _free_ -

“-that I was going to leave with Kageyama.” He finishes. His father’s scowl deepens.

            “No.”

 

+++

 

It takes three hours from then to get him discharged. (he was admitted not for injuring himself, but for getting a nasty cut from falling in the shower, the racks for bottles snagging his shoulder)

(ha)

(at least hes not on suicide watch)

Ten minutes after leaving the building full of too-bright lights and sterile smells, he’s standing once again in his house.

(not a home, never a home)

As he steps through the threshold, he feels his father’s anger bubbling to the surface, finally rising after being submerged so long. The door closes, and the storm begins.

The first thing he is hit with is not a fist, but biting, stinging words that pierce his skin. 

“You stupid fucking bitch. Should’ve finished the job yourself.” Shouyou swallows, not daring to speak up.

The first blow comes with the sting of a rough palm against his cheek. His teeth ache and he holds a bitter taste in the back of his throat.

Next is a fist to his chest, knocking him to the floor, he feels his nearly-healed rib shudder in response. When his head kisses the hardwood floors of his (relatively nice) house, he lets himself be washed away, to live away from the blows and screaming and to be somewhere nicer. He imagines being with Kageyama, playing volleyball with him, spiking set after set after set and being happy with Kageyama and oh god he’s fallen pretty bad for this boy hasn’t he. The tides of his mind whisk him next to a playground, the place where he and Tobio always part when walking home. He imagines sitting under the stars, wind caressing his skin, healing his bruises and cuts, scrapes and scratches. He imagines the moon, hanging in the sky without a care, glowing, providing light for all those who care to look for it, suspended within a dream.

 

Shouyou wakes up.

 

His father has left the room, leaving him sore and aching and with a need to be _free_. That’s the reason Shouyou climbs the stairs, ever quiet, to his room. That’s the reason that Shouyou grabs a duffel bag, shoving shirts, pants, underwear, an ace bandage into it. That’s the reason that Shouyou quietly climbs out through his window, and starts walking.

 

+++

 

It is 4:45 in the afternoon before Shouyou arrives at the playground he so desired. It’s a weekday, so it’s significantly less crowded that he’d thought.

(that’s probably good)

(not as many people will _see_ that way)

There’s a few kids, one with fiery red hair that reminds him of a fire engine, a blonde who’s screaming, and a timid-looking green-haired boy sitting with a child that has the strangest half-and half dye job that Shouyou’s ever seen. (red and white? really?) But besides that, there’s no kids around, so he situates himself on one of the rocket swings for maximum comfort.

He amuses himself for a while by watching them- particularly the spiky, blonde-haired one, who apparently has a passion for screaming _die_ when something doesn’t go his way. Eventually, a kind-looking brown haired woman comes and picks up the children, easily escorting them to her car.

After that, Shoyou doesn’t have much to occupy his time with. Kageyama wont be passing through for at least another hour, and his phone is still at aforementioned friend’s house. So.

Well, at least he chose the rocket swing.

 

+++

 

Shouyou quickly deduces that he must have fallen asleep because, as he snaps back into consciousness, he’s met with the worried eyes of his best friend.

“Hinata? What are you doing here? What happened?” Tobio’s voice is laced with concern, his large hands grazing the bruise on Shouyou’s cheek. Hinata smiles sleepily at him.

“Dad picked me up from the hospital. He wasn’t too happy when we got back to the house.” Kageyama’s brows knit together, his expression a mix of concern and fury. “I’m tired, Tobio.” Shouyou practically whispers. “Can we go?” Kageyama’s face softens. 

“Yeah. Let’s get you home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok 1. thank u all for being so patient with me and continuing to leave lovely comments and kudos on this fic while i was gone. i love you guys. 2. this chapter is unedited and its 2am so sorry if its not super awesome. 3. if u know who the kids in the park are,, i love u (mind u its aged down versions of those characters) and 4. i currently have 2 kuroken oneshots, 1 bokuaka oneshot, and maybe a longer bokuaka fic coming soon!! i just need to finish typing them up. so, lots more content very soon! also my school ends on the 24th so ill have loads more time to write after them.
> 
> but really, thank you guys. i love you.

**Author's Note:**

> more coming soon as I'm just tired rn and I'm sure I will have more gross dysphoria to dump here tomorrow u are welcome
> 
> update: I finally edited this bc holy shit that was bAD


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